Do you know where your marriage licence is? How many times have you looked at it, thought about it, depended upon it since you were married? Sure…every once in a while someone in authority may want to know if you are married, where you were married. They don’t care by whom or how many were in attendance, only that you are legally bound each to the other. And, sometimes, that doesn’t matter a whit. I know…I’ve been there. Now I’m somewhere else, where friends, colleagues, acquaintances, neighbors, are fighting for the right to be “married” with all it entails. A civil union apparently will never be enough…and I cannot, for the life of me, understand why not. In this day and age of seeking equality, marriage is not an equalizer and anyone who believes it is should really get into marriage vows. Yes…a couple may change, delete or ignore the “obey” (I know I would!), make up their own version of marriage vows. They may be married in the church, on the beach, in a garden, house or court. With the exception of, perhaps, the church a civil union can be performed in any of those places; all friends, family, may attend the ceremony to wish the couple well just as they could a marriage. A cake could be baked, fancy clothes worn…even rings exchanged! A traditional marriage gives legality to a union of two people, first and foremost so what makes a civil union different? If either couple have and raise children who want to question marriage or not, the bottom line remains the same, surely…we are legal partners. A married couple is a legal partnership, civil union is a legal partnership (though, for sure, only in a few places at the moment). I never once asked my parents…or anyone…if they were legally married.

But what is really the point, here? We fall in love, decide to spend the rest of our lives together…sharing joys, sorrows, ups, downs, raising children, goats, dogs…whatever. We make joint purchases of homes, cars, trucks, furnishings and contribute to joint bank accounts. We do this whether same-sex or hetero couples, we do this married or not. As I see it, the difference IS…while we live and share our lives no differently than married couples we can neither enjoy or feel secure in any of the benefits legality provides them. Whether in illness, death or on April 15^th. I strongly believe…and maintain…we DO deserve and should have the right to share the same comforts and benefits as any other couple spending a lifetime together. I’d even go so far as to say that in the instance of civil union it wouldn’t be a bad idea to ensure the couple had been together for a couple of years and/or have no entitlements if their union/partnership dissolves in less than ten. Why not? Those who spend a career in the military already fall under those guidelines as far as some of their benefits are concerned. If you haven’t been a military spouse for at least nineteen years of his/her service your benefits and “rights” are limited. It might not be a bad idea, even, to extend that same ruling to a married couple given that too many of them may only stay together for a few years. Why do we want to replicate the traditional heterosexual union called marriage? Too many of them don’t plan on their marriages lasting “forever”, moving on to greener (or younger) pastures. Already, even though gay marriage is only recognized in a very few states and there have been couples who’ve taken advantage of it, enough of them have seen fit to divorce after either months or a year or two. That is a mockery of any union…civil, marriage, whatever. Unfortunately, it leaves a taste of “Why did they bother? So that, legally, when they move on to someone else, they’ve secured their “investments”?” What price “cleaving each to the other as long both shall live”? What on earth makes some think that the word, the ritual of marriage will make any difference? I’ve known couples…too many for my liking…who were “together forever”, had commitment ceremonies with friends, family attending, even had the gift registry only to be introduced a year or so later to “my new partner, Bob/Sue”. So to what end marriage?

My partner and I discussed a commitment ceremony a few months after we set up home together. Neither of us believed there was a need. It brought nothing into our relationship that wasn’t already there…nor would it. We had already committed to each other and that commitment is as strong now as it was then. We had invested our feelings, thoughts, intellect into our partnership and nothing will change that between us.. We have made bigger financial and material investments in our life together…and nothing will change those between us as long as we make the decisions, are healthy and competent. Just as it doesn’t with married couples who do likewise for the long haul…and mean it. What does concern us is that outside influences will…and do…affect us where it won’t a legally joined couple and that IS a problem…yet nothing a civil union wouldn’t alleviate or that “only marriage” could make right.

If one truly cares for the other partner, each other’s best interests, what difference does terminology make? Why is civil union “less than”…or “marriage” more than? Why, tonight, in New Jersey are gay couples…or even singles…balking at a good step in the right direction instead of rejoicing in hope? Why can’t we be magnanimous in accepting that our affairs…legal and financial, that is…may well be on their way to easing many of our concerns, will likely provide us with the same rights, benefits, privileges as married couples only without the “M” word. I don’t care…but I do care that this attitude of “I want what I want when I want it” will continue to hinder those like me who believe it’s not the word which counts but the deed and how we decide to both live honouring it while expecting our government to do likewise. 

 

To Lamda Legal in Gennessee Valley I’d suggest that “equality, dignity and fairness to families” doesn’t come from one word such as “marriage”.  It’s up to us to live and be equality, dignity, fairness.

This entry was posted on Friday, December 15th, 2006 at 9:54 am and is filed under Lifestyle. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.